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You Might Be a Soldier, If . . .

© John Lovett

You Might Be a Soldier, If . . .

From time to time, I like present various bits of military humor.

The following is designed as a self-test. How many of these statements can you relate?

The day after payday you realize that you've spent half your pay on "champagne" for a woman who speaks broken English and pretends to be interested in your war stories.

Instead of a gold chain around your neck, you've got a stainless steel beaded chain with a P38 threaded on it.

Your street addresses have been Infantry Boulevard, Howitzer Lane, and Helmet Drive.

Your wife responds to "hooah" and understands exactly what it means regardless of the context you put it in.

When in a strange place and needing a restroom, you ask where the latrine is.

When you go camping, you first check for avenues of approach and good fields of fire before setting up your tent.

You ridicule other campers for setting up down wind and down slope from the latrine.

You're the only one at a party who doesn't complain about standing and eating at the same time.

When you're stopped by the police for speeding, you give the excuse that you just returned from Germany where there are no speed limits.

You're always conscious of your Per Diem spending limit when in a nightclub on TDY.

You have a bottle of Tabasco sauce ready for every meal.

You have the urge to line up you shoes under your bed.

Either you or your spouse has at least one set of camouflage underwear.

The only time you and your spouse eat without the kids at the table is at the unit "Dining Out".

You always back into parking spaces.

Each page of your vacation atlas has two routes marked.

When your kids are too noisy, you announce "AT EASE!".

You do not own any blue ball point pens.

You keep a case of field rations at your quarters and in the trunk of your car in case of emergencies.

When talking on the phone, you end the conversation with "Out Here".

You refer to your spouse as "Household Six" or "CINC House".

You call Post Locator instead of Information to find your friends.

The only suit you own is your dress uniform.

Your vehicle is registered on post and in two different states.

You convince your wife that all ten of your guns are necessary for home defense.

You tell your kids to go to bed at 2100 and they complain that its only nine o'clock.

The Allotment column of your pay voucher has more entries than the entitlement column.

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