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How to Call Artillery

© John Lovett

Saw this and thought it would amuse you readers.

Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support request line. Your call is very important to us. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible. For close air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.

[In enemy language: If you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not be able to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]

If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are engaged in strategic withdrawal, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu.

Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please press 2. If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical, biological or Nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible.

Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take several minutes to process.

You have entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct, please press 1.

Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass code, followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your pass code, we will begin processing your request. If you have forgotten your pass code, please contact 1-800-I-FORGOT to get a temporary pass code. Please enter your pass code now.

Thank you. Your pass code has been verified and your request will be processed. Your fire mission control number is 4968377. Please retain this number in case you need to cancel your request. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible.

Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.

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