Awards Show


© lawhawk

Well, for the first time in my writing at Suite101.com, I've decided to do an awards show format. I will be providing nominations and awards to various individuals, events, and circumstances that warrant attention. The nominations and voting process was kept in secret, even from the folks at KPMG, and the UN, as I found their accounting process to be suspect. Instead, I will reveal my nominations and awards simultaneously.

For best dictator[s] still living on borrowed time, the nominees are:

  • a) Kim il Jung, North Korea
  • b) The mad mullahs of Iran, Iran
  • c) Bashar Assad, Syria
  • d) Vladamir Putin, Russia

    While the ballot was close, the winner by starving his nation for years and seeking military domination worldwide by whatever means necessary was Kim il Jung. Unfortunately, Kim could not be with us tonite, as he was busy getting his hair done.

    For the best Exit Stage Left by a dictator[s], the nominees are:

  • a) Yasir Arafat, Palestinian controlled territories
  • b) General Francisco Franco, Spain Although this race wasn't particularly close, we had to consider the fact that all these years later, there are questions as to whether Franco is still dead. He is. And so is our winner - Yasir Arafat. He's resting comfortably in stable condition after dying in a Paris hospital. His wife Suha could not be reached for comment after being buried under a pile of Prada shoes and bags.

    The next award scheduled is worst political instincts by a politician, foreign or domestic. I know many of you think that the winner of this contest should be obvious, we had to run the nominations anyway. And, when we did, we came to a surprising conclusion. The exit polls were right. Without further ado, the nominations:

  • a) Howard Dean, Presidential candidate, Dem. Party
  • b) John Kerry, Presidential candidate, Dem. Party
  • c) Jimmy Carter, former President of the US
  • d) Jacques Chirac, Prime Minister of France
  • e) Kofi Annan, Secretary General, United Nations

    And, the winner is... John Kerry. This was perhaps the most difficult category on which to judge, but it all boiled down to the most infuriating political gaffe - that Kerry attempted to have his cake, eat it too, and then claim to be on Atkins all at the same time - when he said that he voted for the $87 billion before he voted against it (or was it vice versa?). The Dean scream was a grand piece of theater, but it could have been his meds kicking in. Kofi and Jacques were playing to type, and as a consolation, they will share the Worst Diplomat of 2004 Award for undermining efforts to stabilize Iraq and for the running joke that is overseeing the UN in its current inglorious amoral iteration [which is the same as its former inglorious amoral iteration, minus the UNSCAM].

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    Here's the follow-up discussion on this article: View all related messages

    3.   Feb 7, 2005 6:42 AM
    In response to Re: Tongue in cheek posted by bici:

    I'm taking nominations for 2005, and UNfortunately, the UN is leading ...


    -- posted by Lawhawk


    2.   Feb 3, 2005 7:04 AM
    In response to Tongue in cheek posted by jerrib:

    Sad, isn't it, to see the UN and/or its Secretary-General qualifying fo ...


    -- posted by bici


    1.   Jan 31, 2005 10:40 AM
    What a creative bit of writing. Bravo!

    -- posted by jerrib





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