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Amber writes me an email that is a window into mania:
im sooo sad.these bouts of despondency and lonliness are killing me... im 17 and ive comprehended too much of this world, read far too much, scrutinized and tore away skins from everything leaving me bored and so depressed i wish i could just disappear as though i never existed. i know you cant help me as much as id love, or maybe you cant help at all- i live in sydney australia. ive devoured books, especially philosophy, and my favourite is george orwells 1984. when i was 13 i came up with a cerebral theory of my own, not unlike frueds id ego and superego... im not trying to impress you but rather im trying to show how deeply ive delved into and embraced the complexities of life.. since a very young age... why should anyone care, i matter not a whit, after all im just a person... but if you have bipolar.. oh i hope you understand... i feel so alone, SO alone... im in my last year at school and my parents are expecting oustanding results, considering my brother failed and im supposed to be the first to graduate and proceed to university... i dont want that.... i dont belong in the work and education system, its too impersonal, its so laborious and tedious, not physically, mentally... i write poems and stories and wallow and self pity and the only thing that keeps me alive as a character is writing.... i feel this mad rush of words and colours swirling and senses that eject in spurts on paper... mostly i end up hating them but some leave me content... my school is very narrow and superfluous in its students, so i have nobody to relate to.. i feel like ive swallowed the entire world but havent tasted it... i havent enjoyed my life and sometimes i think whats the point ill be dead in the end anyway... but i want to do something solid and with substance... i want to leave something behind.... i wish i could escape this. i dont want to die but there are so many barriers and i dont know how to escape this hell, this state of deep deep miserable darkness... and hollow chamber where i lie, seeing the light, but so far from it that it is best to sit and observe... Go To Page: 1 2
The copyright of the article Weather of Time, Weather of Truth in Mental Illness is owned by Amy Hillgren Peterson. Permission to republish Weather of Time, Weather of Truth in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
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