Shelly, a young woman from Alabama, writes, "When I would cut, I would feel relieved, and when the blood was flowing it was like my pain was being released, it was like it was the way my body 'cried'. I often cut in situations that it would then be possible for me to get attention from others around me in. This I have come to know was my need to be nurtured. It was also about my need to control others and my environment when I was so out of control myself. I did not even know that what I was choosing to do in cutting was a) a choice and b) a result of my feeling vulnerable and out of control."
Much has been written about borderline personality disorder, and the traumas that lead up to it. Cutting often begins in adolescence. In the past, the typical "cutter" has come from an abusive or neglectful home, or has lost a parent at a young age, or has been raped or sexually abused.
Shelly began cutting herself in college. "Firstly, I began to cut as a means of soothing my aggravated feelings for which there was no connected feeling and virtually no conscious understanding for years. I began to cut around the age of 17, when I left home and was in College. I was living in a dorm and was extemely stressed and unable to cope with all of the people I lived in close quarters with.
I cut, usually with razor blades and there were times where I would break glass and basically gouge myself with it. Many times the latter efforts required stitches.
When I would cut I would be so stressed, so aggitated, and feel so overwhelmed and helpless, though for years the only "feeling" I could identify was ANGER, I knew I was angry and that I was very aggitated.
I didn't know that I was as detached from my feelings and indeed myself as it turns out I now know I was.
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