WHO IS THE CULPRIT? - - Page 2

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Mar 20, 2002

It is your job, as therapist, to help the victim to see that there are two people in this scenario – the abuser and the victim. Two people have needs, and the victim needs to see that her needs are just as (if not more) important than those of the abuser. Use an unloaded example to start with. For example, a boy asks a girl out to the movies, but she has an important test the next day, and needs to study. However, she feels sorry for the boy, and so goes to the movies with him (which she doesn't enjoy at all) and then flunks the test the next day.

Of course, it is not her job on earth to please other people at her own expense, and in this case, the boy could have gone to movies with or without her. That is his choice. Her choice is not to go because of her test. She is not responsible for his happiness, and therefore needs to say "no" to ensure her schoolwork remains up to date. Then, you can liken the metaphor to the abuser. He wants her body. She doesn't want to give it. If she gives in because she feels bad for him, she will only regret it later – like failing a test. She needs to know that her body is hers, to give away only when she is ready, and if there is any feeling of discomfort, she should rather try to get out of the situation. This, of course, is assuming that the person has a choice, which, in many abusive situations (involving people the person happens to know) the person does have. They just do not know they have one, and you need to help them to see that it is OK to say no.

Of course, this must be done in the context of not allowing the client to feel guilty for not having said no, as sometimes this is pretty impossible.

But this little essay, today, is more about trying to help an abused person to pick up the pieces, and to try to find normality after their traumatic experience. Your job is to be supportive, and to help them to gain back their self confidence, to be able to face the world again, to stop the nightmares and the dreadful insecurity they are feeling.

Of course, the nightmares are also dreadful obstructions against feeling normal again. I always tell my clients that they are inner emotions, and the clients is trying to suppress these inner emotions, and so the only time they can come out is when the client is asleep and off guard. The best way to cope with them, is to examine the nightmares and try to find out what it is that their subconscious is trying to come to terms with. Perhaps it is trying to think of ways to better defend oneself later? It might be the fear of running into the abuser again. Whatever the nightmare, it needs to be addressed, and worked through. One needs to analyze it and try to find positive solutions to the situation presented in the dream.

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