IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO, BUT THE WAY THAT YOU DO IT

When I first studied psychology, the one thing thing that impressed me was how they told us again and again that people tend to read your body language before they hear what you are saying – especially those who have known one another for a long time.

Think of yourself. Often, before your husband has finished the sentence, you are often already answering him back because "you know what he is going to say".

And what about the idea that children and dogs always tend to be able to pick out the people who are truly genuine? Perhaps this is because, as yet, they are untainted by words and their insincerity. Children and dogs are still working on reading the way people act and behave (ie body language), and have not yet learned to listen to the meaning behind the words. They are more focussed on the process (how things are said) rather than the content (or what is said).

The other day one of my books went missing and I asked a friend if she wouldn't mind looking to see if she might have it. Instead of telling me she was sure she didn't have it, but to set my mind at rest, would look anyway, she kept telling me she didn't have it. I later found the book, and so she was right the whole time, but the incident changed our relationship somewhat. I don't think the book was the issue really – all I wanted was to be sure, and would have been happy if she'd just taken the time to make sure. I suppose it wasn't the "looking for the book" that worried me as much as the fact that she was so haughty about it. She KNEW she didn't have it, and was not even prepared to make any effort to set my mind at rest. She took a one-up stand in a relationship that was supposed to be equal.

Often it is not the issue at hand that makes or breaks relationships (of sorts) but rather the way in which it is approached. For example, let a small child tell you you are wrong, and you might be furious, even though he may be right. You see, deep down, we all have a kind of order in our heads, and when someone challenges that, it upsets our equilibrium. Small children are supposed to know better than to challenge a grown-up. Here, the argument is not on a content level at all, but rather on a process level. A typical example I remember well from my student days was of a husband who told his wife "you may be right, but you are wrong because you are arguing with me". It sounds silly taken out of context like this, but it happens to all of us.

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