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TEACHING CHILDREN TO MAKE CHOICES

© Bronwen Schoombie

I recently heard the following story from a friend of a friend, and it really hit home for me and hopefully, too, for you.

The lady in question had a two year old, who was playing with blocks while watching TV just before bed-time... one of the daily routines. When her mother called her to bath, the child balked, saying she wanted to stay there a while. So the mother gave her a choice. She was told that she could remain playing until the TV program had ended, but then she would not be read her story that night. She was told she had to choose between more time now or a story. Naturally (if you know two-year-olds) the child chose to continue her present activity.

That night the parents hardly slept. The child screamed for her story, and each time she did so, the mother told her calmly and firmly "You made your choice". Eventually the father was begging the mother to back down, but she held firm. The next night, the same scenario developed, but when the mother said the word "choice" ("You have a choice – choose between TV and your story") the child was in the bathroom like a shot.

The mother says that this little lesson, learned so early in the child's life helped her as a mother so many situations of choice later. The child probably forgot the actual lesson learned, but the idea of making informed choices stuck with her.

I think this has a lot of place in the narrative way of thinking, too, and in any work one may have to do with children. Children have a voice that needs to be heard, and we need to provide them with opportunities to express this voice. The trouble, though, is that so many mothers seem to misunderstand how to give a voice to a child.

It is my opinion that "giving in" to a child does not give them a voice. They also need to know how they fit into the greater scheme of things – and that is the job of the parent. One needs to be careful of providing choices that we will not like the outcome of... or of offering choices which are totally one-sided. ("Either you bath or I smack you" is not really a choice, it is forcing your will onto your child).

Strangely enough, I found it far easier to discipline my children when we were going through a bit of a tough time financially. At the local supermarket, they never asked for sweets because I made sure I gave them a small sum of money each week, that they could use for whatever they liked. This way, if they wanted sweets, we would go to the shop on a Saturday morning (when pocket money was dished out) and choose something – once a week. They knew they would get their turn, and would often spend long minutes at the sweet counter planning what their choice that Saturday would be. Sadly, once we had a bit more easy money, I began to spoil them, and have suddenly realised that my well-disciplined children have become brats again. I need to begin with the discipline again – it is not something that, once learned, will remain a pattern, unless the parent continues to enforce it!

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