Of course, so much can be said on quick-fixes and otherwise of marriages and partnerships, that I find myself with mountains of information to share.
One of the first homework exercises I usually ask couples to try to implement is based on the fact that rarely in life do we have to face conflict without warning. Wars are fought after a number of ultimatums have been sent. Children are punished if their homework is not complete, and employees are fired after a number of warnings. Marriages, on the other hand, seem to enjoy bending rules. How many times has a happy husband arrived home, ready to tell his wife about a good day at the office or something he heard on the radio on the way home, only to face a barrage of insults: "If I've asked you once, I've asked you a million times..." or some similar accusation.
Everyone deserves a warning - specifically the partner you are sharing your life with. So, if there is something to discuss I always request that the couple be fair and tell their partner they have something to discuss, and then ask when would be a convenient time. In this way, the "defender" has time to prepare for the onslaught, and the "attacker" can ensure the attention of the other. There should be an agreement to avoid interruptions during the discussion (if the telephone rings, leave the answering machine to take a message, for example). Sometimes, one member will attempt to avoid the discussion, and so the "attacker" should say that if the other can find no suitable time, then the conversation will take place at .......
When starting the discussion, the trap we all tend to fall into must be avoided at all costs: NEVER attack the other person. The counselor must be sure to coach the couple to broach the subject by starting with your own feelings on the subject. In this way, the other person feels less attacked, and the person with the problem has more rope to play with. For example, when I was dating my husband, I felt very insecure, and told him I felt that he ignored me when with his friends. He immediately "jumped down my throat" saying he never ignored me. If I had said "You ignore me", the conversation would have turned into a boxing match (no I don't, yes you do, no, I don't) but instead, I was able to say "perhaps you don't, or don't mean to. However, the fact remains I feel ignored, so what can we both do about it?" This is a mature way of settling a lot of arguments, and helps to conclude in win-win solutions.
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