Eating Out - A Continuation of the Couple Counseling Theme
The metaphor helps to explain the different needs of the partners, and helps each to understand why they are forever clashing without intending to - their hidden needs are perhaps different, and so, when trying hard to please, they may be totally missing the mark. The husband might have, as his fantasy, a situation in which his wife organizes a baby-sitter, takes him off to a five-star restaurant, and they listen to very intimate music. He might, however, want to order the food for her, and once they are at the restaurant, want to be in charge. Such a scenario could be explored, and might indicate that, although his wish is that his wife initiates sex more, he still wishes to "be in charge". The therapist needs to explore possible reasons for the different fantasies, and the reasons they may or may not differ. Different needs can be explored, and ways of overcoming them sought. Of course, the creative therapist will always find some way of helping the couple to come to terms with their different needs. Taking turns, in which each partner has different degrees of "being in charge" is the most obvious one. But of course, there are a number of solutions, and often the couple themselves will be the creative ones, coming up with a solution best suited to themself.
Perhaps their problem really is not sex, but is related to the fact that the husband (for argument's sake) hardly helps around the house, and the wife wishes he would. In such a case, you might find that her fantasy would be one in which he took total charge of the surprise evening - from organizing the baby-sitter to ordering her food. Or she might order his food, because she has to be in charge, and it might be a good exercise to teach her to let go a little, and learn to trust that he will make a competent decision if she just allowed him the chance. You need to know the couple reasonably well to conduct such an exercise and ensure that the projection will work for you. If you do an exercise like this without knowing the couple well, you might misinterpret the projection, and then you will have gained nothing except, perhaps, mistrust in your expertise.
A metaphor like this is a wonderful tool, as it can be returned to ad infinitum, and be used to explain
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