Couple Counseling
The first way to do this, is to always ensure that you dish out the same treatment equally. If you confirm the wife, then confirm the husband immediately. If you correct the husband, then correct something the wife does too.
This can be an extremely difficult thing to do, as often one partner is sitting in the room against his will, and is being very uncooperative. This is no excuse for you, as a couple counselor to ignore him. A simple way to include him is to talk about him. No-one can be a non-participant when others are continually talking about them.
So, for example, you might say to the wife "what is it, do you think, that bothers your husband most about you?" This is often a difficult question for people to answer, as they have come prepared to tell you how they feel. Now you are not even allowing them to express their thoughts. They will often say something along the lines of "Well, I can't talk for him, but I...". Stop her straight away, and tell her gently that that was not the question you asked. You want her to try to think about what his problem is with her. It can be frustrating for the therapist to keep the client on track -but then, that is the reason you are there, is it not?
There are two valuable fruits of this type of such questioning - the first is obvious. It includes the silent partner. The second is that it helps the wife (or husband - depending on who is talking) to put herself into her husband (or wife)'s shoes, and start understanding where he (she) is coming from.
In fact, my starting point, when clients arrive, is usually such a circular question. I always ask each partner to take a minute to please think about what it is that bothers the other most about them, and what particular gripes the other person is bringing into the room. Such a question is non-threatening as it is not a direct question in which each partner is expected to put him/herself on the line. It also helps each person to see that the other understands their needs more than they were aware. Finally it increases empathy. By thinking for someone else, you have to reach inside of them. By doing this, you have no choice but to understand them better.
Next week, I want
Latest Articles