Learning to Listen
An Italian aunt, who had recently lost her husband, was visiting her niece for an emotional rest. The niece found herself unable to meet the flight, so she asked a good friend to do airport duty. They were to meet later at a nearby coffee shop.
The friend duly picked up the aunt, found that she could not understand a word the woman said, but that she seemed to need to talk. The scene at the coffee shop was one of a woman pouring out her heart in Italian, and another making all the appropriate gestures by following the body language of the other. When the niece finally arrived, her aunt asked her to thank her friend for being so helpful in helping her to better understand her loss. But the friend had felt so inadequate - she had not understood a word!
The trouble with listening is that often people feel they have to say something. Listening is very definitely an art and some helpful hints in this direction are listed below:
1. Forget your own agenda and focus on the person you are with. Listening is an active process, and should, most of the time, leave one exhausted. (Have a look at www.sentex.net/~casaa/resources/sourcebook/acquiring-leadership-skills/listening-skills.html.)
2. Never make comments like "I know how you feel". This distances the other person rather than helping them to open up further. You will never really know how another feels. What you might say, however, includes: I think I understand what you are going through I know I can never really understand, but I think I have a good idea I'm sure you must be feeling rather dreadful right now - can you try to help me better understand how you feel?
3. Steer clear of sharing your own experiences. These can be appropriate if the person sees that one can survive such a situation, and that they are not really alone. Be careful of changing the focus from the person talking. It is not appropriate if the experience you share makes the other feel sorry for you.
4. Take your cue from the person talking. Confirm their feelings and thoughts, and help them to think the issue through. (Have a look at www.rusd.k12.ca.us/parents/listening.html - an article specifically for parents, but presenting skills for anyone).
5. Reflection is a good skill to learn. For example, if someone says "I'm so irritated", respond with "Its very frustrating, isn't it?" If they say "I feel so ugly in this dress", reply with "you're feeling ugly today, aren't you?" This can, of course be followed with something positive along the lines of "I must say, I don't think you look ugly at all".
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