The Endless Battle

For what turned out to be the next eight years, mood swings in all their outrageous glory consumed my life. In the beginning, buoyed by confidence that I had survived the earlier episodes, I managed to cope. My moods changed rapidly. Prior to my first hospitalization in 1990 I had an extreme hypomanic episode.

I felt I was on top of the world,...nothing and nobody could stop me, so insistant was my enthusiasm. I had so many ideas and plans that I rarely had time to sleep, or eat for that matter. I was driven creatively and intensified my creative outlet as a freelance crochet designer to the point where I would work all day and crochet all night. My designs sold! My editors called for more, and I was more than willing to oblige. Nothing my friends or family said to me about slowing down got through to me. I felt wonderful for the first time in a long while. I was unable to recognize my irritability and "bitchiness" when anyone tried to intrude on my new found joy or "prick my balloon." Over time the mood intensified and I lost my sense of judgement and became agitated. I lacked both concentration and decision making skills.

Shopping and spending money became a major part of my life. One day, I remember spying a beautiful sweater in a department store.....just what I wanted and needed, and I had to have it. The problem was it came in six colors, and I was completely unable to decide which I wanted. I stood there for a bit, my mind in a fog, then deliberately picked up one of each shade and went to the check out. I still have those sweaters, by the way, and only one of them has ever been worn. Somehow they don't appeal to me any longer. This is just one example of my "overspending" in hypomania ...there were many more. Money was not a problem, ...cash or plastic ...opening new charge accounts, getting a loan, ...whatever I needed to do to achieve my goal was fair game. For a person, normally responsible and quite frugal it was quite a rush!

Inevitably, in 1990, I crashed. Nobody can remain at high levels without expecting the depression that follows. Sunk deep in depression, I was hospitalized immediately. Medication changes, rest and proper sleep and eating routines slowly brought me out of it, and I returned to work immediately after being released. The difference now was that I had the added stress of the credit card bills coming in every month.

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