Humorous London Underground Rules - 6

There are many times when you become invisible on the tube:

1. When you are pregnant

2. When you are old

3. When you are completely knackered and are neither old or pregnant but are feeling like both and would murder someone for a seat

4. When you are being spoken to by a nutter

However there are certain people who act as though they are invisible but are certainly highly visible (more's the pity). These people are nose pickers. Many's the time when I have sat across from someone and (not wanting to be sexist here but it's usually a man) they've been picking their nose like fury. This is pretty repulsive at the best of times but some people seem to think they get a cloak of invisibility on the tube and just think this gives them carte blanche to pick away. I feel like some headmistress by saying this, but "if you wouldn't do it at home, why do it here". Problem is they probably do it at home, which is fine. Maybe it should be "if you wouldn't do it in the office why do it here". So just in case any of you get the urge to have a pick, remember, although it looks as though everyone ignores everyone else on the tube, someone, somewhere - probably me - will be watching you!

Lesson twenty one - The art of balance

This is essential when you are travelling on the tube. If you are carrying a heavy bag or briefcase, it's a must to stand with this between your legs as it will aid your balance. Sometimes on really crowded trains you may find that you are not holding on to the famous dangly balls and you are being held upright purely by the weight of your fellow travellers. In cases like this, seriously try not to think about it but take up meditation instead and stand firmly trying to channel all of your weight into your heels. A yoga teacher taught me how to do this once and it is a case of mind over matter. It works about 50% of the time. In the cases where it doesn't work be prepared to fall over when your human supports decide to leave the train.

Lesson twenty two - Fainters won't neccessarily be discovered

I think you almost have to be on the point of death before someone will offer you a seat on train, so just because you might be feeling a bit sick, don't attempt to faint in the mistaken idea that this will get you a seat. Almost every commuter has a tale of some poor sap giving up a seat just because someone was pretending to be ill. That person then made a miraculous recovery and started reading/listening to walkmans/eating etc etc and showing all signs of health. If you do feel faint, cool yourself by blowing onto your forehead. Also if you faint during the rush hour, no one will ntoice because you'll probably be propped up by everyone else!!

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