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London Underground Etiquette - A Humorous Guide to Tube Rules

© Annie Mole

Here's a feature about those things you really should and shouldn't do on the London Underground.

Lesson one - reading other people's books/letters etc Don't read over people's shoulders Fascinating though their book/newspaper etc might be, people can tell if you are reading over their shoulder. This has several psychological implications. They might think you are a cheapskate who can't be bothered to buy your own reading material. They might think that you will be judging them in some way, by their reading matter. You might personally see something you don't want to see, which taken out of context could be really embarrassing for you when they realise that you've been reading it.

However, if you really must read over other people's shoulders on the tube pick a decent tube line. The District Line is particularly good as it goes into Temple and so's the Central Line as it goes into Chancery Lane and you might be able to see lots of lawyers and barristers "briefs" or "cases" or whatever they call them. I've seen lawyers reading all sorts of cases on the tube. What if I happened to be on the jury? Or what if I was on the opposite side? Why do these people read so many confidential items on the tube??

Remember the lines from this poem when you think about who might be sitting next to you

"They're a ravenous horde -- and they all came on board At Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations. And bound on that journey you find your attorney (Who started that morning from Devon)"

The Nightmare Song, from Iolanthe W.S.Gilbert

Lesson two - when to give up your seat Try to offer seats to those who you think need them, but don't get hurt if they tell you to piss off.

Now I'm all for equality, women's lib etc, but when it comes to seats on the tube it's every person for themselves. If a man wants to offer me a sit, I'll gladly take it. It's one Victorian attitude on the tube I whole heartedly agree with.

It's quite an eye-opener watching people try to make a bee-line for seats once they become empty. A good trick is to try to muscle your way into the seat at the precise moment in time that someone is leaving it. Or to whole heartedly and single mindedly focus your attention on the seat and give other people "get lost, that seat is mine" vibes.

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