A Turning Point

I went to the rheumatologist for the first time, half-expecting to be told I have psoriatic arthritis. I have psoriasis on all my joints - ankles, elbows, knees and hips. Sometimes these joints hurt a lot; most of the time it's just a dull ache that's easy to ignore.

I knew instinctively something was wrong with me, but I figured the psoriasis was just following its natural course. I was prepared to deal with it, or so I thought.

As you can imagine, I was stunned when the word "fibromyalgia" came out of the rheumatologist's mouth.

My first feeling was relief. What's been ailing me has a name and it's treatable. I'm going to kick its sorry butt to the curb.

Next came the worry. What do I do now? I don't know anything about this, so how am I going to handle it? What effect is this going to have on my career? Am I going to have a career? Am I going to be able to have children, and will I be able to take care of them?

Somewhere in the midst of my obsessive ruminating, the doc must smelled my fear. "It's not in your head," he said. "This is real." He explained that it was a biochemical disorder of the central nervous system and gave me a laundry list of symptoms, every one of which I had.

For the last two years it seemed like my life was in a downward spiral and there was no way out. I was working as hard as I could and felt like I was accomplishing nothing. Most of my relationships were strained beyond repair, or so I thought. I had been treated for depression twice within a two-year period without lasting results. I used psoriasis and every other excuse imaginable to keep me from looking for the job of my dreams, when in reality I was just too tired to keep trying.

I felt like I was piloting my own plane to a crash landing without the benefit of an ejection seat or parachute.

Within a week after my last written reprimand at work, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and the pieces began to fall into place.

Now that proper treatment is starting to clear the chemical cobwebs from my brain, I can see that I have been my own worst enemy without realizing it.

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