One of the scariest moments for people with herpes can be telling a new partner about it. Some people choose to get it out in the open immediately, and others are so afraid of telling that they don't share it until the relationship gets emotionally serious.
When to tell a partner is a personal choice, but holding back too long can start to negatively affect your relationship. Do you feel depressed or guilty, worry excessively about it or pull away emotionally or during intimate moments? Are you risking the loss of your partner's trust by withholding the information? Are you and your partner discussing the possibility of not using condoms or replacing them with a non-barrier birth control method? A 'yes' answer to any of these questions may be an indicator that it's time to tell your partner.
When and how to bring up the topic of herpes really depends on you, your partner and the relationship you share. One place you can start is by thinking back to the time when you got herpes. Ask yourself some questions about that situation:
- Did your partner know he/she had herpes before you got it?
- Were you told in advance?
- If so, how was the subject approached and under what circumstances? What was your reaction?
- If you weren't told, or your partner didn't know he/she had it, how did it make you feel to not have a choice? Did you wish you had been informed first?
- Had you known in advance about your partner's herpes, would you have had sex with him/her anyway?
- If so, why? Did you care more about the person than the virus?
- If not, then why? Did you not care enough?
- How will it affect your current relationship if you transmit herpes to your partner before you have the chance to talk about it?
Everyone is different, and the circumstances of every relationship are unique. While it is not useful to compare your old situation and your new relationship point-by-point, reminding yourself of how herpes came into your life will put you in touch with some of the issues your partner might encounter when you talk about it.
Practicing what you will say ahead of time can help you feel less afraid of the actual moment. Consider writing it down to get your thoughts in order, or use a mirror or a friend as a stand-in for your partner while you practice choosing the right words. When you do tell your partner (which you definitely should do whenever the time is right), here are some pointers on how to approach it.
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