Keeping Up the Standard

Like any other pedigree breed, the Irish Wolfhound is bred to a Standard, but I thought, rather than bore you with “serious” facts and figures, I’d share a very funny, tongue-in-cheek Wolfhound Breed Standard written by an ex-breeder in the U.K., Chris Shaw. She’s written her humorous standard based on the official format used for describing breed standards, and written from the perspective of one who lives with this breed and knows what an every-day “standard” Irish Wolfhound is really like!

“Standard? What Standard? Can you eat it?”

“The COMFORT Standard, dummy!”

GENERAL APPEARANCE The Irish Wolfhound is the largest and tallest of the galloping hounds, combining power and swiftness - in other words he can steal from great heights, and just when it starts bucketing down, he will spot a hare (or anything else that moves - like a paper bag!), and no amount of screaming will bring him back until you are thoroughly soaked to the skin. On returning to his beloved owner he will use his great strength and speed to flatten you into the mud whilst licking your face ecstatically.

HEAD AND SKULL Long enough to snout in the mud and broad enough to raise your elbow when you have a full cup of coffee in your hand. Pigment should be dark, but paint, mud and caked on food is permissible.

EYES Frequently closed, but when open can spot food from a great distance. The Irish twinkle usually pre-empts mischief and deviousness.

EARS Totally deaf to commands - but try unwrapping foil-covered food! Ears may also be covered in mud, butter, and anything disgusting that can be rolled in.

BITE Strong enough to turn chair legs into filigree, carpets into Brussels Lace, and render brooms, brushes etc., to matchwood.

NECK Long and muscular - giving hound the capability of nicking anything from a great height.

FOREQUARTERS Strong and muscular - all the better for digging craters, up-rooting roses and young trees, also enables hound to dig up recently buried Hamster/Chicken/Cat to be put aside for a later snack.

BODY Back - long enough to completely obscure the television. Chest - deep enough to lie in afore-mentioned crater.

HINDQUARTERS Very powerful, enabling hound to "pop" over the recently constructed fence (a second mortgage may be required here to build a fence of Colditz proportions). Young hounds like to try out their strength by flattening Grandma as she walks through the door.

FEET Moderately large and frequently all four in the air or up the newly painted wall. Must be large enough to carry vast quantities of mud to be distributed through the house. Nails - long and strong enough to necessitate plastic surgery on arms and legs when demanding attention.

Go To Page: 1 2

Articles in this Topic    Discussions in this Topic