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Science Provides Cure for Writer's Block

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In the unlikely event that I'm ever asked my opinion on how best to overcome writer's block, the one piece of advice I will give is this: forget your muse and look to science. To be more precise, look through your daily newspaper for any story that begins with the words, "Scientists have discovered..." You're guaranteed to strike a rich vein of inspiration.

I never cease to be amazed at the things scientists get up to. For instance, I read somewhere recently that, following a series of complex laboratory experiments, scientists have discovered that a piece of paper can only be crumpled so far, and no matter how hard you squeeze thereafter, it will simply refuse to get any smaller.

We can only guess at the levels of excitement in the laboratory while this research was being carried out.

And my immediate reaction to news of this latest scientific breakthrough was to imagine the scene inside Enron head office if the company auditors had adopted the 'scientific' approach to destroying documents:

"Come on, Arthur, squeeze harder. We've got a mountain of documents to get through here."

"One more word out of you, Anderson, and I'll shove this document where the Sun don't shine. And I don't mean the wastebasket!"

My second thought was that, as any schoolboy could have told those scientists, the one sure way to make even the most stubborn ball of paper smaller is to turn it into a spitball. In other words, to chew it.

("Come on, Arthur, chew faster. We've got a mountain of documents...")

Mind you, now that I think about it, even better than stories beginning with, "Scientists have discovered...", are stories that begin, "Scientists now believe..."

Here's the sort of thing I'm talking about: according to a recent Horizon program on BBC TV, scientists now believe that our Universe is only one among an infinite number of universes. (Step forward The Twilight Zone and Sliders, and take a bow.)

I'd love to explain in detail the complex scientific reasoning that led to this conclusion, (believe me, it's fascinating stuff). Sadly, however, constraints of space prevent me from doing so. All you need to know is that it springs from detailed research and intricate calculation involving the areas of superstring theory, hyperspace, and dark matter - concepts with which you are all, of course, thoroughly familiar.

Oh.

All right then:

Superstring theory holds that the entire Universe is made of string. Unfortunately, the theory ties itself into knots when it attempts to unravel the one question that has baffled scientists, philosophers, and parents throughout the course of human history: how long is a piece of string?

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