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Whatever You Do, Don't Fondue

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I heard a very interesting interview on the radio recently. The subject of the interview was Sir Patrick Moore, astronomer and long-time presenter of BBC TV's 'The Sky at Night' programme. In the course of the discussion, Sir Patrick happened to mention that the Sun generates its energy by converting hydrogen into helium. And here's the really interesting bit: in the process of converting hydrogen to helium, the Sun loses something in the region of four million tons of matter every second. Four million tons per second!

To which I can only say: that's the kind of diet I'm looking for.

And like most people, I've been looking especially hard recently, following the usual culinary excesses of the holiday season. Foremost among which was our fondue evening.

A long time ago, we received a fondue set as a wedding present. But, believe it or not, we've never actually used our fondue. At least, we've never used it for fonduing, but those fondue forks can be used for just about everything else: as screwdrivers, drain-clearers, paint-stirrers etc., the list is endless - as, unfortunately, are the fondue forks after many years of such treatment.

I couldn't tell you how many times we took the box down from the top of the kitchen cupboard, blew away the dust of ages, and exclaimed, "Ah yes, the fondue - we really must do that sometime", before returning the box whence it came. Last week, however, we finally came to a momentous decision: after many years of procrastination, it was time to cook or get off the fondue.

As anyone who has been through the fondue experience will tell you, the most enjoyable fondue you can possibly have is a fondue at somebody else's house. This is because the preparatory work necessary for a fondue is enough to make the Pope break out in language that would make a stevedore blush. Likewise the Dali Lama. It would definitely make the Dali Lama blush.

Meat, for instance, must be cut into chunks for a fondue - not so large that the chunks take an eternity to cook in the fondue, and not so small that they emerge from the fondue resembling something the cat coughed up on the doormat.

Vegetables are even more of a hassle. Broccoli, by way of example, should be left in fairly large pieces. This makes it easier to find when it falls off your fork into the fondue. Carrots, on the other hand, need to be chopped much smaller unless your family actually enjoys gnawing on raw vegetables.

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