The Proof is in the Pudding

If it’s true, as they say, that we are what we eat, then all I can say is, we must be a very peculiar bunch indeed. Still, it might explain why over the years we have developed bland, inoffensive names for foodstuffs we would never dream of eating if we stopped to consider what was sliding down our collective gullets.

For my part, I’ll never forget the time I was tucking into a succulent ham sandwich when a vegetarian fellow-worker asked me if I realised I was eating a pig’s behind. I still eat the occasional ham sandwich, but somehow it’s not the same any more.

Now, however, the European Union is introducing a new food labelling system that promises to be both accurate and descriptive. According to the authorities, the purpose of the new system is to promote the interests of food safety. Unfortunately, it also has the potential to put us right off our chow.

Take the simple pork sausage, for example. Under the new system, pork sausages will have to contain a certain level of meat before they can be labelled as pork sausages. The problem is that, at present, the meat content of pork sausages doesn’t meet the minimum requirement. In fact, pork sausages as currently constituted will shortly have to be labelled as ‘pig offal and fat’ sausages.

Now, call me sceptical if you will, but somehow I just can’t see too many heated arguments around the average Irish breakfast table over who gets to eat the last ‘pig offal and fat’ sausage. Likewise, the divorce courts are unlikely to be overwhelmed by couples who have fallen out over the last slice of ‘pig blood and oatmeal' sausage, (that’s ‘black pudding’ to you and me – a tasty and essential element in the traditional Irish breakfast.)

And what I want to know is, just how far are they going to go with these new regulations? Will fish fingers, for example, be banned from the freezers of Europe? Surely they fail the ‘accurate and descriptive’ test. Or will squads of Food Police prowl the aisles of the nation’s supermarkets, demanding to know from terrified shopkeepers exactly what percentage of cat food is composed of actual cat?

(I might add at this point that one of my favourite items on the menu of our local Chinese take-away is something called ‘chicken balls with sweet and sour sauce’. I just wonder if it will be renamed under the new regulations. And exactly how worried should I be if no change is deemed necessary and the present name of the dish is judged to be ‘accurate and descriptive’?)

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