Mulder and Scully, where are you?

I don’t know about you, but the paranormal makes me nervous. And right now I’m very nervous, because the past couple of weeks in Ireland have been marked by a number of mysterious disappearances.

In the first instance, several thousand sheep apparently vanished without trace from the Cooley Peninsula in north County Louth. This remarkable event came to light when all of the sheep on the Peninsula were slaughtered following an outbreak of foot and mouth disease in the area.

When the carcasses were counted after the cull, it was found that 6,600 sheep were missing. Is that spooky or what? I tell you, it’s enough to make the wool stand up on the back of your neck.

Of course, there has been widespread speculation in the press that a number of farmers may have been fraudulently claiming European Union cash grants for sheep that didn’t actually exist – but who’s going to pay attention to that kind of ridiculous conjecture? Not me.

The way I see it, there are only two plausible explanations for what happened to the sheep: either the leprechauns in the Cooley area have gone into the wool business, or this is the work of aliens. I’m inclined towards the latter view.

[”Calling planet Zork. We have discovered another life form on Earth, called sheep. And not only are sheep far more intelligent than humans, but they taste better, (especially with mint sauce), and their hides make much nicer rugs.”]

But worse was to follow: not long after the sheep disappeared, Celia Larkin, long-time partner of Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, mysteriously vanished from a government reception in honour of Cardinal Connell. (Bertie is legally separated, though not divorced, from his wife).

Celia was snatched from the front steps of Dublin Castle just minutes before the arrival of Cardinal Connell. Shocked onlookers spoke of Ms. Larkin being whisked away by strange, bug-eyed creatures, though cynics have since suggested that these were actually Bertie’s henchmen, intent on preventing what could have been a potentially embarrassing meeting between Cardinal Connell and the Taoiseach’s live-in partner in life.

Again, this type of wild speculation should be treated with the contempt it deserves. Clearly, the aliens were up to their tricks once more.

Fortunately for Celia, the whole episode ended happily as she later reappeared at the reception unharmed, though she was clearly shaken by her ordeal as she stayed well out of the limelight for the remainder of the evening.

[”Calling planet Zork. We abducted a human known as Celia Larkin. However, we sent her back again as the crew members now refuse to eat anything other than mutton, (with lashings of mint sauce), and we already have an ample supply of rugs.”]

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