The reason is simple: When it comes to children, I’m a world-class sucker. Think carpet. Think doormat. P. T. Barnum most likely had me in mind when he made his famous statement, “There’s one born every minute.”
Among my nephews and nieces I’m known as the cool-but-slightly-stupid aunt. You know, the one who believes maybe Mom really did say they could have six large sugar cookies right before bedtime.
Anyway, suffice it to say, I’m a bit too much of a soft touch to be parent material. My cats could attest to that, but they’re busy shredding the couch.
Many lesbians, however, are excellent parent material, and many are choosing to have children.
Lesbian parents have the same issues as any other parents: temper tantrums; debates over the existence of God, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy; sibling rivalry; struggles over grades and homework; helping kids select the right college and/or career path, etc.
In addition, however, lesbian parents—and their children—also have to deal with the realities of living in a homophobic and heterosexist world.
In their book, For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy, and Proud, developmental psychologists and lesbian mothers Suzanne M. Johnson and Elizabeth O’Connor offer encouragement and advice to lesbians raising children.
The book is divided into five sections. The first, Introduction and Overview introduces the authors and their family as well as several other lesbian families interviewed for the book. Johnson and O’Connor briefly describe how lesbians may become parents (adoption, artificial insemination, heterosexual relationship, dating a partner with kids, etc.), and include a humorous chapter of “Dos and Don’ts” for lesbian mothers. (For instance, do expect to be outed frequently by your children, and don’t assume that your sexuality is going to be a major problem for your kids.)
The second section, The Lesbian Family in Interpersonal Relationships discusses methods for smoothing the way with friends (both lesbigay and straight), teachers, doctors, and extended family. The authors’ expertise as developmental psychologists is especially helpful in this section, as Johnson and O’Connor describe the social needs of children at different stages in their lives. Young children, for instance, need to feel safe and secure within their families; whereas teenagers are more likely to long for peer acceptance.
The third section, Child Development and Lesbian Mothers addresses the issues of gender identification and sexual orientation. The authors discuss gender identity development, again elaborating the stages children go through at different ages. They also bring up the importance of role models of both sexes in children’s lives. This section also deals with the sexual orientation—both real and perceived—of children of lesbian parents. Research has shown that the children of lesbian parents are not more likely to be lesbian or gay than the general population. However, they may be more likely to be perceived by their peers as being lesbian or gay, which can lead to taunting and other forms of harassment. The authors discuss talking about hate crimes and homophobia with children of different ages.
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