I'm Here, I'm Queer, and I'm Mad as Hell! (Part I)

“[Anger] can be both a healthy response to violation and a transformative, powerful energy.” --Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, The Courage to Heal.

WHERE’S THE ANGER?

By the time I’d dropped forty pounds unintentionally, hadn’t bathed or made it to work in a week, and hadn’t even gotten out of bed in four days, I decided it was probably time to talk to my doctor. She diagnosed clinical depression. No surprises there. In one form or another, I’ve dealt with depression since I was about twelve years old.

I started taking medication, and sure enough, my mood improved. Some. Enough for me to go to work and bring home a paycheck. Not enough for me to feel any enjoyment in my life.

So I talked to a therapist I’ve seen on and off for the last two years. She listened as I told her about my grief over my friend Sylvia’s death and my recent depression.

Then she asked, “Where’s the anger?”

“What anger?”

“Your anger about how unfair it all is.”

“I’m past expecting things to be fair,” I said. “And there’s nobody to be angry at, Pat. Syl caught a disease. She died. What, am I supposed to do, rage at a virus?”

“What are you reading these days?” Pat asked.

I thought about it and couldn’t help laughing sheepishly. “Hothead Paisan, Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist.”

Pat grinned. “Right.”

I’ve been thinking about our session all weekend. And you know what? I am angry. I’m angry at the doctors who couldn’t save Syl’s life. I’m angry at ARDS. I’m angry that Syl didn’t have health insurance because her partner’s homophobic health insurance company didn’t offer domestic partner benefits. I’m angry that Sylvia’s partner could lose their house because they couldn’t legally marry and Sylvia didn’t leave a will. I’m angry at Syl for getting sick and dying.

And you know what? I actually feel better. Acknowledging and discharging my anger has helped me tap into a source of energy I couldn’t access before.

Anger is probably the most maligned emotion in the world. We fear it. We blame it for all sorts of harmful behaviors. When I did a Google search on the word “anger” the first twenty or thirty websites I found dealt with managing anger or getting rid of anger. It took me four pages of listings to locate a website which suggested anger could be a healing emotion as well as a destructive one.