Domestic Violence in the Lesbian Community--Part 2
In last month’s article, I described domestic violence in the lesbian community and listed some reasons why it is difficult for a lesbian to get away—and stay away—from an abusive partner. In this month’s article, I’ll provide some tips for lesbians who are in or who have left abusive relationships. I’ll also look at ways the lesbian community can better support victims of same-sex domestic violence.
IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP…
Acknowledge that the abuse is not your fault. Years ago, I took a self defense class. Something one of the instructors said has always stayed with me: “If you are facing an opponent, and also opposing yourself, you are going to be outnumbered.” Your partner is full of excuses to mistreat you. You must be completely clear that not a single one of these excuses is valid. Until you believe in your heart that you do not deserve the violence, you will not be able to break free of it.
Educate yourself. Learn about domestic violence in general and queer domestic violence in particular. Learn the warning signs of violence. Learn about the cycle of violence. Knowledge is power. The more you know about what is happening, the less your partner will be able to manipulate you with her version of “truth.”
Resist isolation. Your partner does not want you to have close friends or family who will make you face up to her mistreatment, shelter you from her violence, or stand up to her when she tries to embarrass you. She does not want you to have a safe place to escape to. She does not want other people to know she is an abuser. Abuse thrives on isolation and secrecy. The more isolated you are, the more danger you are in. Make an effort to maintain nurturing relationships with friends.
Speak out. Tell people what’s going on. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to your local domestic violence shelter, talk to crisis hotlines. Your partner, not you, is committing a crime. You have nothing to hide, and everything to gain by shedding the veil of secrecy behind which abuse flourishes.
Don’t go into relationship counseling. Abuse is not a “relationship problem.” Abuse is a crime. Relationship counseling will not stop the abuse, and it may put you in more danger.
Make a safety plan. Plan how you will protect yourself if your partner becomes violent. Plan many different ways to quickly escape your house or apartment during a violent episode (e.g., front door, back door, bathroom window, fire escape in bedroom). Keep a bag packed with a few clothes, important documents, cash or a credit card, phone numbers, etc. in case you have to leave quickly. Memorize important phone numbers.
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