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Domestic Violence in the Lesbian Community - Part I

© Debra L. Stang

The shrill, electronic bleat of the telephone jarred me out of a semi-peaceful sleep. I squinted at my alarm clock. Three a.m. Terrific.

The phone rang again. I fumbled for the receiver, lifted it to my ear, and mumbled, “Shelter hotline.”

“I don’t know if it’s okay for me to call here,” a woman’s voice responded shakily, “but my lover just beat me up.”

“This is the place to call,” I reassured her shaking off the last traces of sleep. “Where is your lover now? Is he out of the house?”

Long pause. Then the woman said softly, “She. I’m a lesbian, and the person who beat me is a woman.”

I was nineteen and had not yet acknowledged my own sexual orientation when I took this crisis call while volunteering at a local domestic violence shelter. It was my first encounter with abuse in lesbian relationships. Sadly, it was not my last.

In many ways, domestic violence in lesbian relationships is very like domestic violence in heterosexual relationships. It is not about one violent episode. Rather, it is about a pattern of one partner taking power and control over the other. The abusive partner uses many tools, some violent and some not, to gain control of the relationship. These tools may include constant criticism, threats, public humiliation, belittling remarks, and name-calling, as well as physical violence such as slapping, punching, kicking, pushing, etc. The following link provides more information on different types of abuse, and how that abuse might be used in a same-sex relationship. http://www.sdc.uwo.ca/psych/glbt/doublej...

Also, domestic violence in lesbian relationships seems to follow the same three-stage cycle (tension building, explosion, apologies and promises of reform) seen in heterosexual domestic violence. The following link provides more information on the cycle of violence: http://www.cybergrrl.com/views/dv/book/l...

Finally, victims of domestic violence in lesbian relationships are often trapped by some of the same factors that trap heterosexual victims. These include self blame, financial dependency, desire to make the relationship work, concern about upsetting children with a divorce or separation, concern or love for the abuser, or fear of the abuser.

Additionally, however, lesbians face other barriers to leaving a violent situation. This article looks at four factors which may make it harder for lesbians to leave an abusive partner.

Small world syndrome. Many lesbian communities are rather small and closed, with “everybody knowing everybody and everybody else’s business.” A woman leaving an abusive relationship may find herself constantly running into her ex-partner at lesbian bars, women’s bookstores, friends’ houses, political meetings, dances, etc. This leaves the abused lesbian with two unattractive options: interacting with her abusive ex, or avoiding all social situations where her ex might appear, thus isolating herself from her community.

The copyright of the article Domestic Violence in the Lesbian Community - Part I in Lesbian Issues is owned by Debra L. Stang. Permission to republish Domestic Violence in the Lesbian Community - Part I in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.