"I Do!" (Or Rather, "I Wish I Could!")

As a feminist, I’ve frankly never been enthralled with the idea of marriage. That’s not to say that many couples don’t have wonderful, loving marriages, or that all marriages are inherently exploitative; however, historically, the institution of marriage has not been kind to women.

After all, only a few hundred years ago, women were considered the property of men, and the marriage ceremony signified a transfer of that property from one owner (the father or guardian) to another (the husband) rather than a loving commitment. Even as recently as a hundred years ago, women routinely took vows to “obey” their spouses, and it’s only been within the last twenty years or so that most states have come to the conclusion a man does not have the “right” to rape his wife.

Men who are married tend to live longer than single men; women who are married tend to live less long than single women. Statistically, a woman is still safer alone on a street corner than married in a home.

So when it came to marriage rights for same-sex couples, I did not jump on the bandwagon. To me, lesbians fighting for the right to marry seemed a little like lesbians fighting for the right to become Promise Keepers. Why on earth would we want to?

But after studying the issues, watching the battles for same-sex marriage going on in Vermont and Hawaii, and seeing DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) signed into law in 1996, I have finally realized I must take a stand. And obviously, if somewhat reluctantly, my stand must be in favor of the rights of same-sex couples to marry.

I came to this conclusion for two reasons.

First, married couples have certain legal rights and privileges that unmarried couples do not have. These include certain tax breaks, “next of kin” privileges, hospital visitation rights, insurance benefits, Social Security benefits, immigration rights, and so forth. To establish laws (like DOMA) which make these benefits available only to opposite-sex couples is blatant discrimination.

Second, rightly or wrongly, marriage conveys a kind of social acceptance on relationships. People who support opposite-sex marriage but not same-sex marriage are saying in essence (and sometimes saying outright), “Your relationships do not count. We choose to deny their very existence.” Thus, gay and lesbian couples end up marginalized and invisible. Which is exactly where many people want us (see my first article about the ever-unpopular “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy).

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