When A Pregnancy Ends in Miscarriage: A Guide for Lesbian Couples

Self blame. "If only I had..." or "If only I hadn't..."

Nightmares. Many women who have miscarried report dreams of searching for their lost child, or of hearing a baby crying and not being able to find it before the cries stop.

REACTIONS COMMON TO THE PARTNER WHO WASN'T PREGNANT

Isolation. You may get little support for your loss, especially if you are not out to many people. Even those who acknowledge you as a couple may think that the miscarriage affected only the woman who was pregnant.

Resentment. Like it or not, you may feel resentment towards your partner. Did she do something wrong? Should you have been the one to get pregnant instead?

Delayed reaction. Because you didn't carry the child in your body, you may not have the sense of "something missing" immediately after a miscarriage. You may find yourself hit hardest by grief during the month when the baby would have been born.

TIPS FOR COPING FOR BOTH PARTNERS

Acknowledge the loss. Your loss is real. Your pain and grief are real. You are not crazy. You deserve the chance to heal.

Allow yourself to grieve as you need to grieve. Think about other losses you have experienced. What helped the most in your healing process?

Realize that you and your partner may grieve differently. You may cry; she may not. She may need to talk; you may prefer not to discuss it. You may need to get right back to work; she may need to take a leave of absence. Try to remember that just because your partner does not express grief the same way you do does not mean she is not mourning the loss in her own way.

Keep the lines of communication open. Even though you and your partner may be grieving differently, it's important to keep connected with each other. Too many couples drift apart into their own private grief after a miscarriage.

Consider naming your baby and having a memorial service.

Plan ahead how you will respond to hard questions. No matter how hard you try to get the word out, someone is sure to miss hearing about the miscarriage and blurt out something like, "So, when is the baby due?" These situations are awkward for everyone, but they may be a little less painful if you plan an answer in advance. Usually something simple like, "I'm sorry you didn't hear, we lost the baby in September," is all that is necessary.

Take care