For Marlene, this was not good news. She and her partner, Jackie, had been trying for months to conceive by artificial insemination. She had not realized she was pregnant. To learn of her baby's existence and death in the same moment was a devastating blow.
Traditionally miscarriages-fetal deaths that occur early in a pregnancy-have not been seen as "real" losses. But they are real. And as more lesbians have babies, more lesbians will also have to deal with the pain of losing a pregnancy. This article explores common reactions after a miscarriage and offers some ideas for healing.
REACTIONS COMMON TO BOTH PARTNERS
Sadness, grief.
Lack of closure. When a miscarriage occurs, there is no body to view, no funeral arrangements to be made, no memorial service to mark the end of life. You may be left feeling that the experience wasn't quite real.
Questioning. Why us? Why our baby? These questions are normal, but beward of internalized homophobia. The miscarriage was not a punishment for your sexual orientation or a judgment on your relationship.
Anger. It's not fair!
Feeling "crazy" or out of control. This often happens when grief is not acknowledged or validated by society at large. You may feel as if you are out of step with the rest of the world because you are grieving more deeply than other people seem to think you should.
Physical symptoms. These can include headaches, upset stomachs, sleeplessness, or sleeping too much, weight loss or gain, etc.
Fear of infertility. Also, depending on the method of insemination used (artificial insemination can be very expensive), you may be financially limited in trying for a pregnancy. A miscarriage can be an even harder blow if you cannot afford to be inseminated again.
Anniversary grief. As the months pass after your loss, you may find yourself thinking things like, "Our baby would have been born this month," or "I had the miscarriage a year ago today."
REACTIONS COMMON TO THE PARTNER WHO WAS PREGNANT.
Sense of physical emptiness. For a day, or a week, or a few months, you have shared the closest physical bond possible with your growing fetus. When that bond ends in death, it is normal to feel a sense of physical emptiness and loss.
Guilt/betrayal. You may feel as if you have let your lover down. Or you may feel as if your own body has betrayed you.
