Instead, he said thoughtfully, "There really haven't been many problems since I learned the two simple rules of parenting."
"And what are those?" I asked a little skeptically.
"Rule number one: Never ask 'Who started it?' unless you want to end up somewhere around the birth of the younger child.
"Rule number two: Never ask 'Why?' unless you suspect the judge will want to know at the inquest."
I laughed, but over the years I've thought a lot about my friend's "simple" rules. It seems to me that they also make perfect sense for arguments between adult partners.
WHO STARTED IT?
"You forgot to pick up cat food again."
"Well, you didn't get the milk."
"I forgot the milk because I had to drive three miles out of my way to get the damn cat food, which you were supposed to get in the first place."
"I wouldn't have forgotten the cat food if I hadn't had to drive clear across town to return your stupid library books."
"My stupid library books? I seem to remember you reading them, too. And I would have taken the books back myself if you had just..."
Sound familiar? If the girlfriends in the above example keep going, they'll end up at the start of their relationship, probably when one of them forgot their two-week anniversary or when the other was ten minutes late for their second date.
In the meantime, the whole relationship is starting to appear fraught with problems and bad feelings, when in truth the initial problem was as simple and easily resolved as cat food. In almost any dispute, both parties are at least somewhat at fault (the exception being abusive behavior). Rather than try to determine who was at fault most, or who was at fault first, it makes more sense to put energy into resolving the problem.
WHY?
"Why did you do that?" "Why didn't you call?" "Why can't you get here on time?"
On the surface, these may seem like reasonable inquiries, but look deeper and you'll find some real problems with the word "Why?"
First, it tends to put people on the defensive. "Why?" especially in the context or an argument, generally implies disagreement and even condescension. In fact, an accurate translation might be, "I don't have the foggiest idea why you did such a dumb thing, but if you'll explain it to me, I'll listen and then tell you why you're wrong."
