For Teens: How to Come Out to Your Mom and Dad

Allow your parents to express their reactions. Their responses may range from immediate acceptance ("Thank you for telling us, honey") to questions ("Are you sure?") to off-the-wall comments ("You can't be a lesbian-you can't even balance a checkbook!") to anguish ("God, what did we do to deserve this?"). Try to stay calm, even if what they say is not as supportive as you would have liked.

Offer information and answer questions. If you have reading material available, offer it to your parents. Try to answer questions as simply and honestly as possible. The questions might reflect a lot of ignorance or prejudice, but at least they are asking!

Try to end the conversation on a positive note. Even if your parents respond to your news with anger or sadness, you can still say something like, "Thanks for hearing me out. I know this was really hard for you. I hope you can see that I'm happy with myself the way I am, and I hope someday you'll be happy for me."

AFTER THE TALK

Follow up. If your parents don't bring the subject up themselves, check with them again in a couple of weeks. Ask if they've thought any more about what you've told them, and ask if they have any further questions. If they seem to be struggling, encourage them to get in touch with PFLAG.

Remember, things tend to get better. Even if your parents' initial reaction was very negative, they may come around. Give them time.

WHEN THE TALK GOES WRONG

When fifteen your old Deanna (not her real name) came out to her mother, she was expecting support, or at the very least neutrality. Instead, her mother attacked her physically and then threw her out of the house. Even if you're sure your parents wouldn't do such a thing, it never hurts to have a safety plan in place. Here are some ideas:

Keep a list of safe places. Before the Talk, make a list of places you can go in case of a meltdown. Perhaps you can stay with a friend or family member for a few days. Some communities have youth shelters or crisis centers that may be helpful. (A word to the wise: always speak with staff members before going to a shelter. Some youth shelters are very concerned about the rights and safety of LBGT teens. Others most emphatically are not.)

If you are under eighteen and being abused, call you state's