I was relieved to know that I was not going crazy. Before the official diagnosis I hadn't a clue as to why I was always itchy, or to why my legs would shake as I tried to go to sleep. I just thought my wanting to sleep all the time was a result of the mild anemia I've had all my life, and the occasional pains in my side and belly would go away. Why was I easily confused and depressed, and why did I feel like I wanted to die? I literally prayed to God to "take me". I begged. I really wanted it to be over so much, not only before the diagnosis, but also after.
I was terrified of what lay ahead. My God, kidney failure, What do they do for that? What is this dialysis my doctor keeps talking about? I can't think straight, yet you keep throwing all this information at me. I just want to feel better, I don't want to try to absorb things now. I feel miserable Doc. An anxious person to begin with, now I'm facing a slew of thoughts about the unknown. I can't deal with this, again I begged. My request went unanswered.
I never cried so much as the few weeks after being told I would sometime soon need dialysis. Wait, there was that exception months later on the day my husband and I faced the music, and agreed I needed to start, and an appointment was set up for me to have my first dialysis treatment in the hospital 4 days from that tearful moment. My husband and I could have filled buckets that day.
My emotions have run the gamut, from disbelief, fear, anger, denial, grief, hope. Have I reached the acceptance stage? I'm working on it.
How did my husband feel during this tumultuous time of our life? What were his feelings about what we were facing?
My husband Ron didn't realize I was so sick, until we realized I had kidney failure. He had mixed emotions of wanting to be strong for me, yet feeling very scared about the possibility of losing me. "Being told she had kidney failure, I thought she was going to die." " I can't believe we just got married and now I'm going to lose her." Ron tried to be strong for me and was very supportive, but I could still glimpse into the tiny corner of fear slipping out from his eyes. Inside he was falling apart as much as I was.
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