Ten Years in an Empty Orchestra Pit: A Relatively Sympathetic Observer's Guide to Karaoke--Pt. I

The first thing I should tell you is that most of what you think you know about karaoke is false. For starters, forget all the television parodies of rum-fueled bozos who couldn't hit a note with a tune- seeking missile. Most karaoke singers are vocally passable and many are truly gifted. This really shouldn't come as any great surprise. I mean, how many women with size-31 busts enter a wet t-shirt contest? Alcohol may reduce your inhibitions, but it doesn't immunize you from humiliation. Sure, every so often a few drunken frat boys will insist on performing "Louie, Louie" Animal House style, or someone who knows he's awful (it's almost always a man) will mount the stage simply for the amusement of his friends. And once in a while you will hear some brave but tone-deaf little wallflower whose high school self-esteem lessons have taken so well that she (it's almost always a woman) has no idea that the audience is grimacing rather than smiling. But for the most part, your average karaoke doyen is no worse than your typical professional piano bar singer.

Second, the variety of songs performed at most karaoke bars is greater than you might imagine. If you arrive expecting to enjoy an evening of lounge lizard classics, you will probably return home disappointed. I have never, for example, heard anyone step up to the microphone and belt out "Feelings" ("whoa, whoa, whoa, Feeeee- lings"). Nor have I heard many Barry Manilow impersonators or Partridge Family aficionados. You know why? Because people tend to sing stuff they like, and even most karaoke singers agree that Air Supply sucks. You do hear plenty of Sinatra and Elvis, a fair amount of the Beatles and Elton John, and, yes, a little Neil Diamond and Cher. Rap is popular in some clubs, while country gets the nod at others (and the racial composition of the clientele is not always a good predictor of which is which). And if twenty-year old disco continues to thrive among karaoke enthusiasts, it must now share time with the hits of Soundgarden and Blink 182. Don't get me wrong--there's still plenty of music to hate (if I never again hear "Wind Beneath My Wings", I will die a happy man), but it does cut across eras and genres.

Be sure to come back next month for Part II.

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