Foundations of Japanese etiquette -- a primer
So, from the very outset, Americans and Japanese have a very different outlook on society and their position in it. Americans go for confrontation; Japanese for conciliation. Americans say what they want and what they feel; Japanese say what they think the listener wants to hear, and the listener understands the hidden meaning and acts on it. Americans want to win; Japanese want everyone to save face.
Americans say: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease!"
Japanese say: "The nail that is sticking up gets hammered down."
Here are some more single sentence representations of the difference in our social philosophies. Please think carefully about each one, and the idea it represents. Please keep in mind that this is not meant to represent the real feeling or belief of the speaker, but the social facade he is operating under. Thus, the American idea of "You and I are equals," may or may not be your true feeling when meeting the president or a homeless person. The Japanese may not feel humble when entertaining a houseguest. But all parties will behave as though they believe these assumptions, or else one will be considered rude.
A=American concept; J=Japanese concept
A. You and I are equals/friends.
J. You are higher than me
A. My house is your house; help yourself!
J. You are an honored guest, allow me to serve you.
A. I bought you a great present, you're going to love it!
J. No present is good enough for you, so I apologize that this one is so poor.
A. I am independent.
J. I depend on you, please continue to help me.
A. Let's get to the point!
J. Let's take a moment to enjoy the ritual of conversation, before leaping straight to business.
A. "I'm sorry" is an admission of guilt.
J. "I'm sorry" is an acknowledgement of your feelings and a willingness to discuss things.
A. I ask questions to politely show I'm interested.
J. I ask questions to get answers or hint that action needs to be taken.
A. Let's try my idea.
J. Let's discuss this until we find an idea we can all agree on.
A. I like to be complimented, and I'll say "thank you" in return.
J. Compliments make me uncomfortable and I'll deny deserving them.
A. Drinking and sex are sins which I feel guilty for enjoying.
J. Drinking and sex are natural and an awful lot of fun.
A. "No" means "no."
J. Pretty much anything other than
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