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Finding the Root of the Problem

© Jill Critchley Rubin

In interfaith relationships, when conflict creeps up, it is often blamed on the religious differences between a husband and wife. I have often cited religious differences as the root to arguments between my fiancé and I. Yet, after taking the time to clear away the many layers of an argument, it is often not religion at the core at all.

It has been said that we are never really arguing about what we think we are arguing about. A disagreement about a holiday ritual may not be about religion at all. It may be an indicator that your partnership is lacking in love, understanding and compromise.

"Couples need to clarify which conflicts are interreligious and which are the individual differences all couples struggle with," according to Susan Weidman Schneider, author of Intermarriage: The Challenge of Living with Differences between Christians and Jews. "All happily married couples experience differences; recent evidence suggests that the success of their marriages is due in part to their ability to put aside many differences and live with them."

This is a word of advice to all couples. Focus on the similarities, find some common ground, and be sure to think twice before dragging God into an argument that has nothing to do with religion. Schneider advises that "the most important concern, of course, is not how each issue comes to a head and gets resolved, but how the relationship fares in the process."

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