The hurt never goes away

Today I was out with a bunch of friends, we were enjoying our time out as mommies shopping in a baby store and I felt semi-normal. It was almost as though I could almost forget that there was a barrier between how I came to be a mom and how they came to be moms.

Silly me in my offhanded way made the comment, "Doesn't it make you just a little bit sad to see all of these pregnant women." I was treated to a response that was completely honest but it still stung, my friend said, "No because I'm not in your situation, I know I'll get to do this again." OUCH!!!!! It was like a slap in the face. It was like someone saying, "HELLO SHAY wake up and smell reality, you'll never be a mom who gets pregnant "accidentally"". It hurt so bad, and for some odd reason I just didn't even have the guts to tell her that it hurt. The only thing I could think to say was, "Don't be so callous as to think the fertility goddess will always smile down on you." We walked through the store in silence the rest of the way. Things were strained and awkward and once again I felt like the outsider.

As I drove her back home I so badly wanted to say Look that hurt, but I knew she wouldn't understand. Not because she's mean, not because she doesn't want to, but because she simply can't. You can not understand the pain of knowing you may never have ANY children until you've been there. At the same time you can not understand what it's like to think you'll never again be pregnant until you've been there.

I guess this should be prefaced by the fact that during my laparascopy that was performed on April 25th my RE found Endometriosis, Endometrial polyps (8 of them all the size of golf balls), hundreds of cysts on each of my ovaries, and the most devestating; a liver that doesn't look normal.

It's been one round of tests after another, no one can figure out why my liver looks the way it does. If there's something or if it's just that I'm fat. If I need to start writing out a will or if this is no big deal and losing 50 lbs. will cure it all. I'm a nervous wreck because my RE has "banned" me from getting pregnant until I've lost 50 lbs. and we know what is wrong with my liver. When you have PCOS losing 50 lbs. is liking trying to run a mile in 1 minute, it's damn near impossible. So I've spent a lot of time crying lately and feeling sorry for myself.

Go To Page: 1 2

Articles in this Topic    Discussions in this Topic