Why I write

I've gotten a few dozen e-mails asking me why I feel the need to write about my experiences with infertility. I've done a lot of thought and came up with many reasons. It took some time and effort to sort out the most significant reasons but I thought it was important that people know my motivation.

I write because I know what it's like to feel helpless. To look at the sea of information and feel like you're drowning and no one is throwing you a life preserver. I write because I remember so vividly the days of waking up and holding the thermometer in your mouth praying for a good temperature so you could have the little bit of hope that this time it worked. I write because I've felt the absolute anguish of getting the call from your RE's office and hearing, "The beta's negative, come in for day 3 blood work and ultrasound." I write because I still to this day look at the mountains of bills that we have left and know the overwhelming feeling that maybe we're just wasting our money. I write because it's cathartic it feels so good to put down the painful experience on paper, I guess that's my own special form of therapy. I write because I remember walking in a store and seeing a woman with a pregnant belly and feeling this gigantic pang of pure green envy. I write because I understand the anxious moments before giving yourself that first injection. I write because I grasp the horror that you feel when you wake up with black and blue thighs or maybe it was your stomach or butt. I write because I wish that no one has to make the same mistakes that Matt and I did. But the most important reason I write is to give you hope, because I have gotten the joy of hearing, "You're pregnant". I have gotten to see my tiny little baby's heart on the ultrasound screen. I have received the gift of tiny kicks and flutters that wake you up at night. Truly the most important thing of all is that I have looked a miracle, my miracle, in the eyes. I've held him in my arms and I've felt the validation for every bad experience I've ever had with infertility melt away in those first 2 seconds that I got to hold my son. I tell you this not to brag but to give you a reason to keep on fighting. I pray for you all and hope in some minor way my little bit of knowledge can bring you one step closer to experiencing all of the miraculous things I have in the last 15 months. I write so that you have the knowledge and a reason to keep on fighting the infertility monster month after month.