One Ticket Please

At some point even if you already have a child you feel the craving for another. That desire, or "itch" as all my girlfriends call it, hit me hard today. It's Christmas Day and I watched my son open all of his gifts and then felt a big pang in my heart because I just don't know if he'll be able to have a sibling. Secondary infertility is almost commonplace if you had a hard time getting pregnant the first time. So here I sit waiting in line for the roller coaster ride deciding whether to buy that ticket or just pack it all in.

When we were going through treatment the first time I was driven, it was the only thing that I wanted. It consumed me almost to the point of obsession. I would chart my temperatures, go in for ultrasounds, get my blood drawn, and then finally the day of our insemination would arrive. I'd lay on that table praying with everything in me that this time it would work. After my ten minute wait with my hips in the air was up, I'd jump up, walk out to the car and let the obsession train take me away.

Now that I have a child the fear I am feeling about jumping back on the treatment train is immense. I want another child, I want Jonathen to have a sibling. At the same time, however, I now have so much more at stake. We don't have the money to shell out in advance and yet we still owe thousands on Jonathen's conception. How could I ever reconcile taking on more debt when my son's conception is not yet paid off?

The thing that weighs on me most is that time is short and the risk is high. For us to go through treatment I have to go off all of my medications. I gain weight, my heart has problems, my cholesterol shoots up and the emotional anguish of not succeeding could very well break me. So in my mind I've been thinking when do you say the risk is too high and the benefit not worth it?

After watching my child today I made up my mind. To me the risk of not trying is worse than any consequence that I would face while trying. Success is not a guarantee but 5 years down the road when my time is finally completely up and I said no to it I don't want to look back and say, "What if?" Life is short, and you can't take money with you. When I am dead and gone all I will have left are my children. They will be the only living breathing memories of me. So as I step up to the front of the line I proudly say, "One ticket please, for the ride of my life, all over again!"

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