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The Official Policies of the NHLPA

© Jeff Justiz

You know, the New York Rangers this week are single-handedly responsible for yet another salary hike. The more they open their wallets, the more fans suffer with merchandise and ticket prices. This year, in school, I took a class called English Writing. The assignment was to write an arguement, any style, on any topic. I used exageration about the NHLPA. My teacher was slightly amused. Now for your enjoyment, the Official Policies of the NHLPA.

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There are many rules to follow to be a member of the NHLPA. First of all, when you are offered a contract, signing the first contract you get will automatically place on the janitor's list for this union. Holding out till the very last possible minute for contract negotiations is an automatic nomination to the union executive. (We recently had a rookie, who was given a 5 vote bonus for holding out till 11:58 PM, 2 minutes before the deadline. Congratulations to new Calgary Flame, Daniel Tkaczuk.) Our policy on contract holdouts is this, every time you hold out from a contract, you will get a better dental plan. (Theo Fleury, sorry we haven't been able to help you, due to your lack of teeth.) If you miss a chance to play in a country you were born in, or are descended from, your pension will go up. (Paul Kariya, you missed out on some serious jet lag. Besides, there's nothing to eat in Japan.)

There is a minimum fee of $5 US for every autograph you sign. $10 in Canada. Some proceeds can go to the NHLPA Be A Player merchandise fund to give players more Be A Player merchandise to show off. Besides, if our kids can afford them, why can't other kids? And anyway, they nag too much anyway. We must continue to find ways to keep them out of the arenas for games. Unfortunately, www.nhl4kids.com doesn't help.

Canada is a barren wasteland of only 30,000,000 people. Many are in climates too cold for hockey players. Edmonton, Winnipeg and Quebec are too cold. Unfortunately, there are stubborn investors in Edmonton. We must get out of this country most of us were born in because before we know it, our salaries could drop like parachutes, some of us even making less than $1,000,000.

Sign as many contracts as you can for endorsements. These naive companies might start thinking people actually want the junk they're hocking. But who cares? They get hated, we get money. Guys with not so great careers, injury prone players or both, we ask to work for big Canadian companies. (We'd like to thank Alyn Macauley for wearing expensive Roots jackets in the ads. Not like Gretzky or Lindros ever wear them.)

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