Twelve step programs, treatment centers, prayer with God and a lot of service work have rid me of many different dependencies but it took years. Soon my replacement belief became "I am healing" today. My realization came that I had actually became addicted to believing I would never be well. I was convinced that to die would be my only relief. For twenty years, I poured everything in my body I could find in order to feel different. I disguised those sources in many different ways. Having surgeries was one way and this one led to another source, which I wrote about last month and that was getting sympathy. Next came prescription drugs as my new plague. The teachings placed on my heart while I spent time in my garden over a period became easier to hear with my heart, soul, spirit, and mind. These lessons have also been easier to go forth and live by, for and through others. Finally my giant ego cares for others more than it does for itself (this alone is a miracle.) Anger at the people who had hurt me was always big on my list in those horrible sick days of something to hang onto. When that source played out, my tool to stay sick was the one source that really finally almost killed me in the end.
An unfortunate accident brought about a surgery and during the surgery came a diagnosis of a terminal disease. This time it was no phantom. So many years of fear and ill-producing behaviors and beliefs had finally manifested a deathbed for me. It seemed I was down for the count. This deathbed lasted me twenty-two months. During this twenty-two months all the service work I had done for others came back ten-fold. Ten years of being a sponsor for women in twelve-step programs became love and health. The Great Teacher sent to me many women to take care of me while I was ill and dying. Kammon brought laughter and breakfast (although she too was very ill,) Dee came diligently daily with loyalty, love and lunch. Nancy fetched dinner and energetic funny stories. Lisa, the youngest one, came with her youth to do meditative yoga. Linda painted my kitchen and told me about her childhood. Elizabeth dropped by from time to time to share what it was like as a child in Louisiana. What was returned to me was the love and healing I had extended during my first seven years as a 12-step sponsor. Thirty-four was the sum total of women I had cared about during those years. An hour a week, per woman was returned to me with ten hours a day of health. My dying began to exit. These angel ladies and a few loving couples healed me with their care and love. You see, while one special lady would bathe me and make sure to drain my tubes; another would stop by to walk and feed my pets. Once, two of these angels cleaned out my kitchen drawers, cabinets, and laundry room. Unbelievably they replaced the shelf paper and threw out the trash. Each day God fed my soul with love. Slowly I became healthier and more convinced that I had to fight to stay alive.
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