Silent Slashing
The most typical type of self-injury is to harm oneself as an escape from pain. There are other reasons, but according to my doctors, this was from bottled-up emotions. I might have been able to go on keeping my secret longer, but my thigh became infected. My father hadn't seen me since I left for college eight months earlier. When he saw me in the hospital, he was shocked by my emaciated state.
My obsessions grew... I had to cut, or I couldn't get through a day. Due to all the scarring, I was given antibiotics. It was decided that I would be kept in the hospital for a psychological examination. Still, I wouldn't admit that I had cut myself, later, I found as if I might explode. I grabbed some scissors from the utility room when nobody was watching, and slashed my other thigh. Then I was able to breathe again.
When the doctors made me strip and saw the injury that I had just caused, the psychiatrist had three questions for me.
"First of all, do you deliberately cause physical harm to yourself to the extent of causing tissue damage, to which the injury continues for more than one year?" The doctor marked his checklist as if this was obvious. I just shrugged and refused to say anything.
"Second, do you cause this harm to yourself as a way of dealing with overwhelming thoughts, emotions, or situations?" Reading my chart about finding my mother hanging by a rope when I was four years old was enough to convince him to check that one off too. I looked downward.
"Third, do you think about self-inflicting even when you're relatively calm or not doing anything at the moment?" The doctor looked at me for an answer and I lied. I told him that I just cut on myself when my grades fall. It was obvious that he didn't believe me. He shook his head and explained the questions.
"Now Angie, if you were to answer yes to one and two, you are definitely a self-injurer."
Lying, I said, "I prefer the word cutter. " Most cutters do not like to be referred to as self-injurers or self-mutilators. I felt so ashamed. I asked if my father could come in because I knew that question three couldn't have gone well either. My dad came in and held my hand. He had lived with a suicidal woman for many
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