Journal of Testing

September 18-20, 1998

I flew to the Bay Area to attend a women's retreat with my best friend Carla. The theme of the retreat was, "Changed Into His Likeness." The speaker for the weekend was author Neva Coyle.

One of the things Neva asked us to do was to think about our worst day or worst habit. Then we were to go off alone and ask ourselves how our life would be different if we surrendered that thing to God. How could He use that in our life to minister to others?

I knew right away, what that worst day was. It was the day I received the phone call informing me that my mom tested positive for Huntington's disease and that I too was at risk for inheriting this disease. I had spent four years living at risk when I attended this retreat. Now getting off by myself I began to ask God again if perhaps it might be time to face this big "if" in my life.

I knew that Huntington's disease was something that I could not control no matter how hard I wanted to. That it was also something that neither myself nor anyone else could "fix" or take away. Only God, and He has been faithful through the fears, the times of despair that have come and gone over the last couple of years each time bringing me to a crossroads where I could give in to that despair or place my mind, hope and trust in Him. I have held on to the promises found in His word. Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11-13.

October 12, 1998

Carla and I are fasting today in prayer. She emailed me and shared that she feels strongly that as I walk through this process of testing for Huntington's disease that I am not to look at statistics that I read on the computer or any other literature as the final authority. That even if the doctors tell me I have HD they are not God, and God can still heal. That I am not to judge my experience by any others.

There are times I am painfully aware that I know these things in my head but not my heart. I have a consultation meeting with Dr. Salyer (my primary physician) today. I have never told him about Huntington's disease but now that I have decided to go through with testing my insurance requires a referral from him to the University of Washington Genetic Department in order for them to cover the costs of testing. As of right now those costs are, just under $1,000.00

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