The Vector File--Straightline To Average

Written by Ian McFayden

Directed by Eliot Christopher

Cast Casper Van Dien .... Gerry Catherine Oxenberg .... Margaret Timothy Balme .... Paul Katherine Kennard .... Sonya India Oxenberg .... Mattie Roz Turnbull .... Stephanie William Wallace .... Leon George Henare Laurie Foel .... Helen Stephen Hall .... Elder David Stott .... Ken Chic Littlewood .... George Craig Hall .... Melvin Paddy Wilson .... Snr Security Officer Paul Norell .... Petrov

91 minutes R

Vif International Films proves that there's more to solid moviemaking than a cast featuring names somebody's heard of once or twice and a clever acronym-based production company name with The Vector File.

What we have here is the story of some interesting genetic chicanery going on in the depths of Moscow, and a scientist determined to escape with the information in hand. Now, anybody who's seen Rambo a couple times would tell you that the Russkis don't play this whole "one guard at the gate, any scientist can walk out of any building with a freshly-burned CD-R in hand" game, but then I guess the great Iron Curtain's been sorta rusty since Communism collapsed. The whole thing is rendered moot when irksomely porous Russian security allows a three-man team of black-clad, gun-toting assassins to slip in and blast the Russian scientist.

I'd like to thank Vif for including zero subtitles and authentic Russian dialogue for the first four minutes, thus making understanding the entire avant-title sequence utterly impossible for anyone but a classically trained linguist.

We then fade, for reasons that can only be described as inscrutable, to the MacQuillan Aerospace research facility where Casper Van Dien is having some serious marital troubles, and wasting a huge quantity of taxpayer dollars by using satellite technology to take pictures of his daughter playing hopscotch from space. Which scares me blind, frankly...I definitely don't like the thought of being photographed from space.

This is especially interesting; MacQuillan is an obvious play on the MacMillan Air Force Base, and Casper Van Dien is memorable possibly only for his appearance as Rico in Starship Troopers, whereafter he faded into the obscurity of direct-to-video releases like "Tarzan and the Lost City."

Meanwhile, Casper's daughter is receiving coded communications--ooohh, okay! THAT'S why we spent four minutes in Untranslatable Russian Science Lab Three-A. The fact that it took another ten minutes to figure out just why is sort of irksome, but hey, what can you do? And this coded communication is terribly important to somebody, as another three-man team of black-clad, gun-toting assassins in MacQuillan Aerospace who got in past Old Joe (probably not his real name), the lone gray line of defense for MacQuillan security. Old Joe is the kind of guy who pulls candy from behind the ears of little girls, and so you know he's JUST the guy to have fending off highly trained paramilitary groups.

Go To Page: 1 2 3