Reign In Darkness--Fetch The Garlic

Written by David W. Allen Kel Dolen

Directed by David W. Allen Kel Dolen

Cast Kel Dolen .... Michael Dorn David W. Allen .... Alex Shaw David No .... Gage Chris Kerrison .... Lance Bates John Barresi .... Raphael Ravencroft

90 min

Okay...if you ever wanted a convoluted, unnecessarily complicated movie about vampires, where the writers and directors are either so hard up for cash or so egomaniacal that they take the starring roles in their OWN MOVIE, then Reign In Darkness is just the ticket for you.

Get this.

"The virus, K-17, portrayed in this motion picture is believed to be real and existing in our society today."

This is their opening screen. Just some text that says exactly what I said in quotes. First off, I want to know just who it is who BELIEVES this virus to be real and existing in our society today. The filmmakers? Because I'm sure they believe it to exist. If they make somebody think this is real it'll boost their rentals and sales like no tomorrow.

But anyway, real or otherwise, what K-17 does is turn people into vampires. Really nasty ones that rip things to bits and pieces in psychopathic blood rages, including our biological researcher / hero of the story, Michael Dorn.

And no, it's NOT Commander Worf. I know, I know...I was expecting the big black guy with the basso profundo that made Barry White sound like the lost member of the Chipmunks. I was as disappointed as you no doubt are to see this spindly white guy instead.

So anyway...now that the False Dorn (which is what I'm gonna call this guy for the rest of the column--I refuse to dignify his name by mentioning it) has been infected with K-17, he's going to take care of business by going out and hunting up every vampire on the face of the earth. And apparently, there's a whole bunch of people who aren't too pleased with that idea, so they send a bounty hunter and ANOTHER vampire to kill the False Dorn.

Criminy, how many vampires are there in this picture, anyway? Can't tell the vampires without a score card....

And you know what? I haven't been with this bounty hunter for more than a half hour, and I already can't stand him. First off, he's got this horrible, horrible accent. Lahke sum kahnd of thick twangy thang, almost a patois. And worst off, he won't. Stop. TALKING. The guy talks like he's at a Republican Party fundraiser whenever he's on screen.

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