Vampires: Los Muertos--The Obvious Pun Applies

Written/Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

Jon Bon Jovi .... Derek Bliss Cristián de la Fuente .... Father Rodrigo Natasha Wagner .... Zoey Arly Jover .... Una Darius McCrary .... Ray Collins Anilú Pardo .... Lupe Javier Grajeda .... Brody Tommy Lee Wallace .... Scared Guy Diego Luna .... Sancho Honorato Magaloni .... Old Man Antonio Muñiz .... Jesse Andres Weiss .... Raider Punk Muriel Fouilland .... Miss Brazil Juan Pablo Gamboa .... Gringo Gabriel Casanova .... Priest

Now, when John Carpenter released the original Vampires back in 1999, I was pretty happy about it. Happy I tell you! I had only just discovered Allen Steakley's Vampire$ (note the clever spelling--that's the ACTUAL title, folks.), and by extension, Steakley's Armor, maybe a few months beforehand.

And I admit I was a little disgruntled to find that Carpenter was calling it "Vampires" as opposed to taking the time to spell the damn title right and call it "Vampire$".

What can I say? I'm a PURIST.

But anyway--it wasn't so bad. James Woods made a positively KILLER Jack Crow (no pun intended!) and the plot was at least within shouting distance of the book's plot. And let's face it. John Carpenter is GOOD at what he does. Naysayers aside, when John Carpenter sets out to do pure-t dystopian science fiction / horror, he does it RIGHT.

But I want to get my hands on the cartoon character who wrote the script for Vampires: Los Muertos, Tommy Lee Wallace, and educate him until he can't think straight. This is a horrible bastardization of a chilling book with a plot that really made you think twice about the concept of vampires running free in the world. I question if Tommy Lee even managed to read the original Steakley.

What we've got here instead is a plot so simplistic it makes Dick and Jane look like War and Peace. Jon Bon Jovi, who must be so desperate for work he would've done a commercial for Al-Jazeera, plays our newest vampire hunter, going after a clutch of vampires in northern Mexico. Attempting to cut off the clutch before it can stage a movement into Tucson, or worse, San Diego, Bon Jovi has to fund a team on behalf of some Catholic priests who want the same thing as Bon Jovi.

Holy crap, man. Did I actually TYPE that just now? Bon Jovi's out to save the world from vampires? I mean, come on! I grew up listening to Bon Jovi! How is he a believable vampire hunter??

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