Red Water--Jaws, Without the Talent

Gather around, kiddies...it's STORY TIME!

Once upon a time there was a poor desperate executive at New Line Productions. Let's call him Fenwick, because it sounds really pathetic.

Pathetic like Fenwick's career.

Fenwick was about to lose his job, and every other executive was really really angry. Fenwick hadn't had a good idea for a movie in years. Fenwick needed a movie that would make some money, and quick. So Fenwick thought and thought.

He went to the video store and looked around, hoping to find an idea. All he could find over on those shelves were movies like Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3-D, and Deep Blue Sea.

He went home and watched the Discovery Channel, hoping for an idea. He watched every episode of Shark Week until his eyes grew red and tired.

Finally he just whomped together a script for YET. ANOTHER. SHARK. MOVIE.

And this is how Red Water was born.

I saw the FBI release notice...you know, that annoying one about how you can't copy movies? Someone ought to tell New Line that this movie has already been done.

And we start right off with a bang...a grandpa - grandson team is out for a fishing expedition, and they run afoul of an oil well in the middle of their beloved fishing hole. Afoul as in the "suddenly on top of one of their seismic charges designed for excavation."

As our dynamic fishing duo sets off away from the explosions, another goes off, and out from the cloud swims our brand new sharkly villain.

Oh, yeah...I forgot to mention. This all takes place in the middle of a large lake in Louisiana, Lake Varret. Yeah. You heard me right.

THERE'S A SHARK IN THE BAYOU!

I can't even begin to contemplate what's wrong with that.

And now, we have our hero emerge: Lou Diamond Phillips as the heroic charter fishing boat captain, out to save his fishing boat. I wonder...what WILL he be fishing for by the end?

But we've got something more pressing to deal with right now. In a side plot that no one really is sure just why it's there, a truly stereotypical gangster with a Jamaican accent thicker than Captain Morgan with a cement mixer is calling our fisherman to find a stolen stash of his ill-gotten loot.

Eventually, the fisherman and the criminals' paths collide, forming a thick, multi-plotted moulange. The oil well builds in pressure until finally, it explodes. One of the resident oil well personnel goes underwater to fix it and cuts his hand. Well...we all know what THAT'S gonna do, right??

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