Emptying the Nest
© Joan Archer
Parenting, the saying goes, is the only job you will ever have where your main goal is to make yourself unemployed. As our eldest, Michael, stands on the waning edge of his sixteenth year, we have become more intently focused on the things he will need in order for us to become a redundancy to him. It is a time of great exhilaration, a time of great frustration, a period of mourning, and a time to rejoice in his independence. It, in short, ain't easy.
American children, we are told, have the most protracted period of adolescence in the world, the term "adolescent" being used in this case to describe a child of the family who is old enough, and capable enough to be on his or her own, and is still hanging around the original "nest". American children are often in their mid-twenties or older before they leave home, and it is no longer seen as odd or abnormal. Some parents are very happy this way, and some can't seem to wait until "Junior" turns eighteen and they can legally make him leave home. As with many other parents of teens, I swing somewhere between the two on a minute-by-minute basis.
I have focused intently on making my sons, from the first sign of independence, as wholly independent as possible. With my sons, I started early, encouraging them to help me with the daily chores, and explaining the "why" of all the things I knew the "why" of. Torstein, at three, has already gotten a "bark bite" or a small blood blister on his finger from a bad wood-stacking experiment. He joyfully joins in when there is wood to carry, because it makes him feel "big" and a part of what the group is doing. And he is right, he is a big and important part of the "us".
I teach my sons early on, how to manage a kitchen, not just the cooking and cleaning, but how to keep the pantry supplied and how to make a weekly menu to shop from. This begins with lessons in the Food Groups and ends with lessons about the global economy. All of my boys can bake a good loaf of bread by themselves by twelve; at this age they are also able to fish, scale a fish, gut a fish, make a fire and cook said fish. This is not only an important survival skill; this is also a skill that teaches a child that they can depend upon themselves. There are few more important experiences in their lives, than learning that they can depend on themselves. This is where true "self esteem" is from. Not from a phony "Good Job!" when the praise is barely earned. It comes from the inside, from a true self-knowledge of one's own capability..
