Lost in the Welfare System
© by LEL
As I stood in yet another line with my pile of papers that represented me over the last 30 some odd years, I wondered how the hell it had happened. Welfare. It used to be an unknown world that I knew nothing about. I was further away from welfare than anyone could be and here I was…standing in a welfare line.
Five years ago I was sitting in an elite stadium box. Famous people would come in and out of the box throughout the game. People like Donald Trump, Miss America, the governor and even Tom Brokaw. Those people meant nothing to me. This was my box, actually it was my father's box but I felt that what was his was also mine. Often I got the luxury of bringing my friends in the box during baseball games, catering to there every need offering shrimp, wines, and any drink they wanted.
Life was good and I spent most of the time during the game drunk, and entertaining my friends. And that is where my drinking and using drugs began. It was the sociable thing to do, like smoking cigarettes. But somehow it all spiraled out of control. I learned later after I hit my bottom that my alcoholism was not some mistake, it was a disease and I was totally powerless over it. But I could not get that information until after I lost everything.
Twenty years into my drinking career looked like this: The luxury box was gone, the family was gone, and the money was gone. Naturally with all of that gone, so were my friends. Everything was gone and I couldn't blame anyone but myself. But I wasn't ready to blame myself, yet. I had to go through blaming everyone else first and then finally God. But blaming others stopped working, just like the booze and the drugs. A matter of fact, nothing worked anymore especially blame.
One of the last conversations I had with my father was humiliating. He told me how pitiful I was. I'll never forget that conversation because I clearly remember not understanding at all what he was talking about and how dare he put me down! The Broadway song rang through my head; "If You Could See Me Now…" I smiled in spite of myself. My mother, the alluring debutante turned Miss Mississippi must be rolling in her grave about now. What ever was true about death I hoped that she did not see this miserable moment.
