IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Back in October my husband and I both had flu shots, so we expected to get through the winter in our usual good health. Wrong! New Year's Eve Dave came down with something that may be a cold but seems suspiciously like the flu, and two days later I was sick too. As I write, we are just beginning to feel human again.

We've been married 24 years during which time we went through several crises, but we always came through fine because we faced them together. In this week of minor, but extremely annoying illness, first I pampered him, then he took care of me. We could empathize because we both felt like, well you know.

Since we both used to have terrible migraines (thankfully not much problem now that we're older), we could also empathize with each other about them. However, I've been thinking about those worth-their-weight-in-gold spouses and partners who show concern and compassion for chronic headaches that they've never had and therefore can't quite understand.

The woman, for instance, whose husband suffers from cluster headaches. She will see him get out of bed in the middle of the night, night after night, in excruciating pain that has him pounding his head on the furniture. Occasionally she'll have to drive him to the E.R. during a cluster. When he's awake and suffering, she is too, and so her life suffers as well as his. At work her boss complains that she's too tired to do her work properly and she tries to explain. He replies, "Oh, I have awful headaches too. It's the stress. He just has to learn to deal with it." Obviously her boss has a few tension headaches and he thinks that's what all headaches are like.

Or, take the man whose wife suffers from migraines. He comes home to find her in bed with the blinds drawn, the house is a mess, and nothing has been done about dinner. He knows she hasn't suddenly become a lush or lazy. She has a migraine and can't stand to move her head or see strong light. He cares for her and does the things around the house she was unable to do because he knows she's really suffering.

These people deserve something extra special for Valentine's Day. Their love and compassion reach a higher level than the love of easy, happy times. This week while Dave, in between fits of coughing, heated soup for me and stoked up the fire, I thought about how caring he is and wished there were words to tell him how very much I love him. Sometimes "I love you" just doesn't seem adequate.

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