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Cell Phones

© Bill Howard

Do you own a cell phone? No, I have no fabulous rate plan to pitch. I'm curious as to whether or not the contraption accompanies you when you play golf. If so, cease and desist forthwith. It is unbearably rude.

Golf should not be interrupted. Most especially not by a phone call that you wrongly assume might be more important than the round that you're playing. The beauty of golf is that, for four or five hours depending on the quality of play ahead of you, nothing is more important than the round you're playing. There is no plausible argument to the contrary. If you have difficulty grasping this concept, you will never amount to much of a player.

I can almost hear you saying:

"But what if my shares of Widget Inc. head south in a hurry?" If you have voluntarily put yourself in that precarious a financial situation, you shouldn't be out on a golf course. You should be close to an office window in the event you need to jump.

"What if someone in my family is involved in an accident?". The pro shop staff will be able to find you quickly. It is part of their job.

"What if an business associate needs me in a hurry?". If that cell phone goes off while I'm hitting a shot, you will be in no condition to carry on a conversation. Do your work at work and leave the golf course to golfers.

I could blow holes in lame arguments all day. Now I'm in the mood to brainstorm possible punishments for those despicable evil dooers carrying those infernal machines.

No one has been drawn and quartered in a while, have they?

I always thought coating an enemy with honey and staking them to an ant hill showed a certain vicious ingenuity.

There is always the Chinese water torture. Maybe bamboo shoots under the fingernails.

Draconian you say? Maybe you've got a point. I'll throttle back a bit.

If you insist on the cell phone, let me have an air horn. Mine might go off too.

Every ring of that cursed phone could add a stroke to your score.

If you check with the non-phone carrying members of your group, they would almost certainly lean toward the first three options. I wouldn't test them by putting it to a vote. Let me state this very clearly, leave it in the car or leave it at home. The only place a cell phone rightfully belongs on a golf course is at the very bottom of the deepest available water hazard.

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